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♪♪ -Live from the Haywood Theater, it's Tim Williamson.
-It's only February.
And it's so cold.
February 2020 might be the longest month ever! Am I right? I don't do cold.
I'm like -- Right now, I want to hug as many people as I possibly can to keep the body warm.
-This special was filmed in February.
We cannot stress enough, this was before the quarantine.
-Don't we love going to grocery stores? [ Crowd cheering ] I love going to grocery stores.
I go for the free samples.
I don't care -- people putting their hands in there, different people touching.
More flavor! Hey, free samples.
Why don't we cut out the middleman.
Just put the food directly into my mouth.
-We swear, this special was hilarious before all the stuff went down.
-Going to the movies is a trip, man.
So much work on the movies.
Oy, you got to get dressed.
You leave the house.
You've got to get the popcorn with the -- The prices of the popcorn with the up, up, up, up, up.
No, no, no.
Hey, look, we have infinite movies at home.
Our homes are movie theaters.
Except this theater has a fridge full of leftovers, and I don't have to wear pants.
-Please, just try to put your head where it was at three months ago.
-I will get on the elevator no matter how many people are on it.
I'm not waiting.
I got places to go, people, okay? So if that means my nose is in your mouth, that's what needs to happen.
I'm so glad that there's not a mandated amount of space that we need to give each other.
Like, I don't know.
I'm just gonna spitball.
6 feet away from each other.
I'm just spitballing.
-Stop tweeting at us.
We know.
-Speaking of spitballing, why don't adults shoot spitballs at each other? Spitball.
Why did that stop when we were kids? And why do you have the ball at all? Let's just cut out the middleman and spit on each other.
-Did he cause this? -Anyone else looking forward to summer? You've got Coachella.
You've got water parks.
You got sporting events.
I'm at my happiest when I'm making my way through a dense crowd full of strangers just to get to a public bathroom that we've all been using together.
Who's with me? -Oh, come on.
We forgot about that part.
-Why does Halloween come only once a year? I want to wear a mask every day.
-Tim Williamson, "Right Next to You." -When I'm in a Mexican restaurant, I don't want Modelo.
I don't want Tecate.
I don't want -- I don't know this language.
What do I need? Duolingo? I want a [bleep] And it doesn't even have to be cold.
Hot, hot [bleep] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

 


-[ Whispering ] Alright,.
be really -- Alright..
Do you want to go get mommy now?.
-I want to..
-Tell her we're shooting.
the show..
Say, "We're shooting.
the show, Mom.".
-Mama?.
-Yeah?.
-We're taping the show..
-Winnie, are you gonna sing?.
-Yeah..
Alright, is Franny.
gonna hold the cake?.
-Mm-hmm..
-Alright..
-♪ Happy birthday to you ♪.
-Alright, grab the cake..
Get the cake..
Okay, perfect. Get the cake..
-Give it to me..
-There you go. Go..
-♪ Happy...♪.
-You guys!.
What?!.
-Be careful, be careful..
-♪ Happy birthday to you ♪.
-What?!.
In trouble..
I love this!.
-Finish. Sing it. Finish..
No, don't --.
-Oh, wait..
We have to do some wishes..
Okay. Okay. Going in..
-Happy birthday!.
We love you so much!.
-Yay! I love you guys..
-We love you so much..
-Thank you. Mwah!.
-Happy, happy, happy --.
-Thank you..
I love you so much..
-And I love you, little ones..
♪♪.
-♪ We in the house ♪.
-Come on!.
-Tonight, join Jimmy.
and his guests....
Arnold Schwarzenegger....
Cole Sprouse....
musical guest Billy Corgan....
and the legendary Roots crew..
It's "The Tonight Show:.
At Home Edition.".
-♪ We in the house, y'all ♪.
-And now, here's Jimmy..
-Hey, everybody..
Welcome to "The Tonight Show:.
At Home Edition.".
It's special day here, because.
it is my wife's birthday!.
The producer, camera operator,.
location scouter, editor..
Yeah, we love you, honey..
And I know you don't like.
surprises..
Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it..
You'll get.
another cake later on, too..
But I won't tape that one..
I will say, I did --.
My dad got you a gift..
-Stop it..
-Mm-hmm..
-[ Gasps ] No!.
The best gift. No. Stop it..
Oh, my God! Graber Olives..
-My wife loves these olives..
-Best tradition in the world..
-Yeah. Right?.
I guess my mom.
started doing it, too..
-Yep, she did..
-Graber Olives is your favorite..
Why do you even -- They're good..
-Oh, don't! Don't speak..
-[ Laughing ] Don't speak..
-Unless you love them,.
no right to opinion..
[ Both laugh ].
-I do love them..
But, anyways,.
that's from my dad..
Happy birthday..
And, you know, I have gifts..
I have things for you.
and all that stuff..
But I think you got.
the best gift..
-I think I did..
-From --.
-You can't even talk about it..
-I can't.
even talk about it..
I'm so angry. Yeah..
Liza is awesome..
Yeah, but she knows --.
She's a producer..
-She makes this show.
that we love..
-Yes, called "The Challenge.".
We love MTV's "The Challenge.".
We are the biggest..
-Yeah..
-And is our favorite --.
It has to be Bananas, right?.
-Yeah..
-Without a doubt..
-I mean, not even --.
-Yeah..
-We have others we love..
-Yeah..
And there's others.
we do not like..
-Yes, there are others we.
dislike as much as we love --.
-Some human that we look forward.
to seeing every single time.
is Johnny Bananas..
I think he is funny. I love him..
I've always liked him..
And, so, it's something --.
But, anyways, you go,.
"Dude, wait till you see this!.
This is the best gift.".
-I could not even teach today..
-For homeschooling? No..
-Yeah..
-Yeah, you were so geeked out..
Our friend got Johnny Bananas to.
do a personal message.
for Nancy, for her birthday,.
which is just untoppable..
Anyways, here it is..
-Alright, this is a very special.
happy-birthday.
shout-out going.
to my girl, Nancy,.
coming to you from.
your boy, Bananas..
Nancy, may you live,.
may you love,.
and may your birthday.
in quarantine.
be absolutely bananas..
-Thank you, Johnny Bananas!.
-Whoo-hoo!.
-Come on! This is a lucky year..
-It is bananas..
-It's going to be a great year..
It's going to be a bananas year..
Thank you, Johnny Bananas. Gosh..
-Thank you, thank you..
-And happy,.
happy birthday, honey..
I love you so much..
-I love you..
-I couldn't see you.
from behind the camera, so....
Anyway, everybody, here we are..
This is Monday..
And I want to thank everybody.
for staying at home.
and for washing your hands.
and wearing a mask.
and doing all the right things..
I know some states have been.
slowly opening, which is great..
And I want to say those states,.
thank you.
for not rubbing it in.
to the states.
that have to still stay home,.
because we want to do this.
the right way..
And it's baby steps.
and it's small steps,.
and for those states.
that have to stay in lockdown,.
we're going the get there..
And this is --.
The hill is already over..
We're over the hill..
We're coming down..
This is like --.
This time is just.
be safe and do it right,.
get tested..
There's lots of.
testing out there..
If you can't get tested,.
complain to someone..
I'm sure there's someone.
that can do something.
and get you all tested.
so we all can move forward..
And I think I can see a light.
at the end of.
the tunnel here, guys..
But thank you, everybody,.
for doing what you're doing..
I know it feels like no one.
is thanking you, probably..
And it's probably 'cause.
no one really is..
But I am saying thank you.
on behalf of my family --.
my wife and my kids..
Thank you so much for doing what.
you can to -- I don't know..
It's a tough thing..
This is rough..
But, you know, we're all doing.
it together, right?.
In experiencing this stuff..
So I like to support.
whenever I can..
Anyway, thank you.
for doing that..
And thank you for supporting me.
and watching the show..
Thank you, NBC, for airing this..
YouTube. Who else?.
-Thank you, thank you,.
Johnny Bananas..
-Johnny Bananas --.
thank him again..
Graber Olives, we want to thank..
-Yeah..
-Fudgie the Whale.
making a cameo..
Fudgie the Whale making a cameo,.
straight out of Carvel..
Alright, here we go..
Guys, here's some.
potentially great news..
Scientists working on.
the coronavirus vaccine.
announced positive results.
in an early trial..
It's exciting..
From here, the vaccine will go.
through the blind auditions,.
the battle rounds,.
and then it does well there,.
it's going to Hollywood!.
During his briefing yesterday,.
New York governor Andrew Cuomo.
got a coronavirus test.
live on TV.
to show that it's no big deal..
That's right --.
they did the nasal swab,.
and he said it was totally fine..
Although, for the rest.
of the briefing,.
he did speak with a.
British accent..
[ British accent ].
New Yorkers are tough..
New Yorkers.
have to stay together..
[ Normal voice ].
Today, Governor Cuomo said.
New York sports teams should.
plan to reopen without fans..
It will be so quiet,.
the only sounds you'll hear.
are the crack of the bat,.
the pop of the glove,.
and the adjusting of.
testicles rattling inside a cup..
Come on. Come on..
This weekend, during an.
interview with Jeanine Pirro,.
Eric trump accused Democrats of.
milking coronavirus lockdowns.
to win the November election..
Jeanine Pirro was like, "Yeah,.
I totally agree with you..
It's definitely a hoax..
Which is why we're doing.
this interview.
from the basement of our homes.".
Some TV news..
The last two episodes of.
Michael Jordan's --.
Oh, gosh..
This happens to me all the time..
The last two episodes.
were last Sunday's..
I do this all the time..
-Mm-hmm..
-Do you remember the biggest.
game in the world? Game 5?.
It was, like, LeBron..
Everyone talked about.
his best game ever?.
And I missed it because I.
watched "Driving Miss Daisy"?.
-Oh, yeah, that's right..
-No one e-mails me..
I don't have any sports friends..
The world watched it..
They said it's the best game.
they ever seen in their life..
They could make an.
ESPN docu-series of that..
I missed that because I go,.
"You know what?".
Oh, maybe you were here.
or something..
You weren't at the apartment..
I go, "I got a night to myself..
I've never seen.
'Driving Miss Daisy.'.
I heard it's good.".
It is great, by the way..
Fantastic..
-It was a great movie..
-Yeah..
-Mm-hmm..
-Was Patti LuPone in there?.
Make a little cameo in there?.
Maybe?.
It was a great movie, though..
Dan Aykroyd, props..
Anyways, loved the movie..
Missed the best game in.
the history of basketball..
Anyway, so, I missed.
the Jordan thing last night..
I watched Spade's movie..
But, hey, I got time..
I have nothing but time, right?.
-There's always tonight..
-Well, tonight,.
it's birthday time..
Just tomorrow..
-So "Dateline" it is..
-[ Laughs ] Oh, gosh..
I can't watch "Dateline".
before I go to bed..
Anyways, sorry. TV news..
Last two episodes of the.
Michael Jordan docu-series.
"The Last Dance".
aired last night..
That's right..
There was a lot of.
unexpected moments,.
especially at the end,.
when Jordan was caught.
on a live mic in the bathroom.
confessing to three murders..
"I did it.".
That's a little.
"Jinx" reference..
Little "Jinx" reference..
Timely..
Our monologue, you know,.
sometimes is not necessarily.
the funniest thing.
you've ever heard,.
but boy, oh, boy, is it topical..
You know?.
A little "Jinx" reference..
In the documentary, Jordan.
revealed that in his.
legendary flu game,.
he actually had food poisoning.
from eating an entire bad pizza..
Yep, the food poisoning.
was really rough on Jordan..
Here he was before.
the bad pizza..
And here he is after..
Come on. Papa John!.
Everyone is talking about this..
Over the weekend,.
Nelly and Ludacris tried to go.
head-to-head on Instagram Live,.
but Nelly's Wi-Fi was bad,.
so he kept cutting out..
It was like listening to a.
Lil Wayne song on Radio Disney..
♪ I'm gonna...you up ♪.
♪ Then...your...face ♪.
Wow. That's right --.
the Wi-Fi issues.
were really frustrating.
for fans..
When Nelly got cut off,.
they were like,.
"It's getting hot in where?.
What? It's getting hot where?.
It's getting hot in...".
I saw that Graceland is.
reopening this week..
That's cool..
When they heard that,.
tourists were like,.
"After sitting on my couch.
for two months,.
I want to see where Elvis sat on.
the couch for three years.".
I read that some states,.
like Hawaii,.
are asking tourists --.
I love this..
Some states, like Hawaii,.
are asking tourists.
to help them handle.
the coronavirus outbreak.
by not visiting..
That's right -- after years of.
trying to attract visitors,.
now they're hoping.
to keep them away..
A few states even unveiled some.
new tourism slogans..
Check it out. First, Colorado..
Their slogan is, "You can buy.
weed everywhere else now, too.".
Next up, North Carolina..
Their new slogan is, "Trust us,.
South Carolina is way nicer.".
Then there's South Carolina..
Their new slogan is,.
"No, no, no..
North Carolina is.
by far the best.".
Then there's New Jersey..
Their new slogan is,.
"Get outta here!".
Next is Minnesota..
Their slogan is, "It takes.
40 hours to drive here.
no matter where you leave from.".
That will deter tourists..
And, finally, there's.
Washington, who says,.
"We're basically.
Canada's armpit.".
Well, that will keep.
tourists away..
Well, listen to this..
A new study found that.
Jonah Hill.
has cursed in movies.
more than any other film actor..
Yeah, at 376 curses,.
Jonah slightly edged out.
Samuel L. Jackson.
and Dame Maggie Smith..
Congratulations, Jonah..
I read about a new line.
of nail polish.
that smells like taco, pizza,.
and cheese puffs..
Meanwhile, Americans are like,.
"We've been quarantined.
for over two months..
Our fingers already smell like.
tacos, pizza, and cheese puffs.".
And, finally, a man in.
North Carolina just won.
$10 million on.
a scratch-off ticket.
and said once.
the pandemic is over,.
he's taking his family.
on a cruise..
When they heard,.
his family grabbed his ticket.
and ripped it up..
What's wrong with that man?.
That is our monologue,.
everybody..
Thank you very much.